What Happens When He’s Still a “Frog”?

August 21, 2007 at 3:55 am 5 comments

(originally posted at Tramps)

Hi all, Brown Baby aka BIg Girl Panties here, finally. The posts have been so good I just haven’t wanted to bother putting my own %$^ up here.

Psyche!!…I’m just a lazy ass mofo. My story isn’t as lighthearted as some here so I apologize for bringing anyone down to our pathetic realities:

For a little over a month now I have been going out Boxer. He has a great smile, tall, dark, and handsome, makes me laugh, someone I enjoy so much that I break my cardinal rule. Yes, folks, I talk to him on the phone for more than 30 seconds. Anyone who knows me well knows I hate talking on the phone. I don’t know why, some 21st century form of ADHD. I’d rather you email and text me plans to meet up to gab rather than talk on the phone. I’d just always rather do something else. I only break that rule for lifelong friends and relatives, especially the elders. But Boxer has had me on the phone for over an hour – gasp – and laughing – gasp – and not wanting to get off the phone – GASP!

While we have fallen into the inevitable “your place or mine” movies and chicken get-up that occurs once a dating couple starts knockin’ boots, he still likes to go out and do fun things. His fun attitude towards life is one of his best qualities and his insightful nature and emotional maturity are astounding for a man (sorry).

So what could possibly be the problem? Here’s a guy who’s great in bed AND wants to be with me AND is great in bed? The problem is the same centuries-old bullshit: the double standard. If Boxer were a female and stripped at every nightclub in town and my name was HUMAN WITH PENIS getting my doctorate at an Ivy League, there’d be no problem. Because it’s ok for men to, ahem, “date down.” But when I, HUMAN TIED DOWN BY HER VAGINA, fall for an unknown pro-boxer who pays the rent by training NYC clientele, got his associates in dentistry from community college, who once ran with a very well-known still-thriving East Coast gang and only got out when his best friend was killed, who has tattoos all up and down his arms (ok, actually I find that incredibly sexy), and, sigh, a small diamond jewel on one of his canines in his gorgeous smile…it’s all kinds of bad.

I went to a small top ten-ranked private girls’ school, he was held back when he emigrated here from the West Indies because of his problems translating and reading. I grew up as the quintessential Washington, D.C. black middle class princess. Now black middle class is different than white middle class in some important ways but for the most part I grew up rarely wanting for anything save my mom’s sanity to return. Though D.C. was still Murder Capital when I was there, most of the violence I witnessed was on the news or heard of at the kitchen table. He grew up witnessing shootings on a weekly basis. Yet, all we have together is fun, we talk about his life, my life and there’s never any awkwardness. It all feels like one big learning experience and its core is a great emotional intimacy.

There’s all kinds of potential societal problems the both of us have acknowledged (my heart ached when he looked up at me once and said “do you really think you could be with an average joe like me?”).

Sometimes I think I haven’t felt this close to someone since my last significant relationship that was almost three years ago. So when all is said and done I’d be a damned fool to pass up any opportunity to be close to someone because of what others may think……
……still, I am not in college anymore. I am 25, he is 28 and we’d also be damned fools to think the gap between us isn’t real enough to ignore.


Entry filed under: writing.

It’s My Party! One of these breasteses is not like the other…

5 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Bri  |  September 23, 2007 at 2:19 am

    Ok..Im LATE…but GET IT GIRL. And if I’ve missed some perinent info in between this post and now-sorry. But never fear that….if he can settle down make a decent living and do WELL by his salary AND you then who cares honestly about the differences. It’s about the connection-that’s forever. Eventually we all lose a little something in the knowledge department. Some more than others and no matter how much a person knows, if it’s a duck….smart duck-dumb duck-still a damn duck. QUACK QUACK.


    I bet he got a BANGIN ass body -I’m jealous lol

  • 2. I’ve Underestimated my Charm (Again) « Big Girl Panties  |  October 25, 2007 at 8:34 pm

    […] I realize that my last personal post was a bit down, a bit critical, a bit, well, typical of my love life; and I’d like to update at least that […]

  • 3. D  |  October 26, 2007 at 7:00 pm

    Damn… what with all that talk about how well-to-do you are, I wonder, could you even be friends with an average jane like me? It seems that you’ve decided that there’s just separate worlds – some have made it (or have it made) and some haven’t and those two parties can never really be happy together. Note: an associates in dentistry from community college is certainly more of a success AND opportunity than many, many others can hope for…but I guess those hopeful losers are just so far out of your league that you haven’t considered them – just thought about their jail time as an essay premise and a scholarly social issue to tackle. Well, there’s no point in all that studyin’ of black folks if you see no hope in bringing us together or bridging socioeconomic gaps inside and outside of the race… given, those gaps are hard, but it’s not about ignoring them, it’s about learning from them, growing up, and living life to the fullest, not just on one side of the train tracks, and it sure is easy for someone on the slightly more privileged side to find those gaps impossible to bridge… It’s sad to think you don’t expect wonderful, lasting and fulfilling relationships with anyone outside of the ivy league? without a four-year private undergrad degree? what if their parents are rich and they’re bright as all hell, but started building at web company at 15 instead of college? gimme a break, two common paths is the last prerequisite for love and the first for boredom, bubble-living, and the proliferation of drones…

  • 4. biggirlpanties  |  October 26, 2007 at 8:40 pm

    jesus, what are you talking about? nowhere do i write off anyone or say my world is solely full of ivy-league-ers, especially when my real life history is full of the opposite. this was a mere musing on the, sorry to burst the idealistic bubble, real issue of class clashing.

    if i were not trying to bridge gaps, i wouldnt even have been in the situation in the first place and, again, my real life demonstrates that. a common path isnt a prerequisite for love and if we were on common paths there’d be something else i’d complain about. and that’s just it – complaining, noting, observing. And it’d be insane to ignore any kind of differences that may be problematic. and yes, sorry again, some things will rear their ugly heads whether you like it or not e.g. money (the leading cause of divorce).

    i’m not gonna have blinders on while bridging gaps. ignoring some differences would be doing a disservice to the both of us as where we come from is a part of who we are and is an example of the social structures we exist in.

    my studies of black folk have only made more aware of the gaps that need bridging in every capacity; but that doesnt mean im not going to notice existing issues that are less race-based and are simply one of many qualities of what’s called dating.

    I’m a free spirit, i’m open-minded, it’s amazing that you’re so critical of my anxieties when my real actions demonstrate that the search for happiness cannot be small or limited by arbitrariness. …i’m still allowed to think about potentially real problematic differences e.g. finances (money is the leading reason for divorce). I still leap into everything with passion but i cant be ignorant nor naive.

    FYI – he dumped me, not because i’m some snob but because he wanted to focus more on his boxing career and grow….guess we’re both more similar than we thought.

  • 5. D.  |  October 27, 2007 at 2:11 pm

    “given, those gaps are hard, but it’s not about ignoring them, it’s about learning from them, growing up, and living life to the fullest”

    I never said anything about ignoring economic and background differences. I said learn to live and grow with them, harness them, of course talk about backgrounds constantly. I mean I understand cash, dollars. So, Necessary. But I’m thinking beyond the “marry a doctor” mindset. Yes, there’s plenty of crap to consider and ponder in any relationship, money being a very real one of them, the need for your own success, of course – I’m sure there could be other factors that made you all part, I’m sure being in two different places isn’t helpful. But all you said is he was from the other side of the street and that wasn’t working for you. And the rest was a story of love (& sex) lost. Hence my reply. Many have come upon the same situation over and again. Your easy brush of him off your shoulder in this made me sad for all of us.

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