I’ve Underestimated my Charm (Again)

…A friend/ fan recently asked me why I don’t blog anymore or less; and I replied I don’t blog because I’m in grad school and the only time I find myself with a rare moment of freedom the last thing I want to do is look at a computer screen.

Not to say I don’t love or miss blogging. I do, really. And at least once a day something happens or pops up that makes me want to race to the computer and blast to the world….

But it usually happens when I’m IN class (actually most of the time it happens I’m in class) or on the way to class or leaving class to go to the library or on the couch while watching “I Love New York 2″ and there’s just no way in hell I’m tearing myself from that!

Nevertheless I realize that my last personal post was a bit down, a bit critical, a bit, well, typical of my love life; and I’d like to update at least that so people (exes) don’t think (call, email) I’m still down (crouched in a corner of my apartment bawling, not having seen daylight for months).

I am fine. Really. I whore-er- stocked up while in NYC over the summer and am now back in school, back in Siberi-er- Cambridge where a good day is one where I get more than 4 hours of sleep, eat more than 1 and a half meals, and have one conversation that doesn’t concern the myriad ways black people are fucked. Yes I’d like to date someone but by “like” I mean on occasion I’d like to laugh with someone who I’m attracted to, by “date” I probably mean grab coffee because that requires a maximum of 45 minutes since I would most likely have to put off work and by “someone” I mean a man whose breath is decent (you’d be surprised) and is kind, generous, fun, grounded, and interested despite his knowledge that he’s a diamond-in-the-ruff in 02138.

For whatever reason the above is hard to accomplish and I’m not the kind of person to mull it over, bitch about it (for too long), and make a negative self-judgement because I don’t have a friggin date. I’m not a snob, my shit stinks too, but fuck it: I go to Harvard, I get paid to go to Harvard, I love what I do to get paid to go to Harvard, and I’ve made great friends in the process. I see the light of day with them

p.s. Black Kids is the best band ever!

“wax on/ wax off!” – it ain’t just for macchio

So as my esthetician rips the hair off any particular area i’ve chosen to angle or bald that week she does the usual “so how you doin’ with your current ex situation?”

–what does it mean that hours later, i still have a hard time singling out which fucking one?

Rain Drops are Crashing on My Head

That damn old adage is true – when it rains it sho does pour. For some inexplicable reason my timing regarding dating, sex, matters of the heart, and all that jazz has no gray area. There is either absolutely nothing when I think about my vagina perhaps forgetting what sex is and how I truly know homosexuality is not a choice because nothing’s worse than being horny as hell and still not going for that hot chick you’re always a tad curious about. And that’s how it was when I started here in September. I was trying it out with the boy in DC, but come on, I could barely make it work with a boy in the same zip code so that was in the crapper from the get-go.

Well now it’s January and it feels like overnight I’ve gone from one extreme to the other. And I ain’t complainin! I guess my whole issue about hating everything half-ass has come to bite me in the bum. Because it’s either a drought like no other or a full-flooded testosterone medley.

So here is the thing, like most folks, I think I want some glorious romance that leads to marriage and baby carriage but then when the remotest of opportunity comes, I hesitate. And I’ve got a lot going on admittedly and don’t even know what kind of relationship I could even really muster. Then again, a girl’s got needs and I love to love:

There’s the Scientist: had a crush on him when I met him only to find out he had a girlfriend…a girlfriend i met with him on his way from church. so the crush went away (sort of) and we were just good classmates. but – in such a My-So-Called-Life kind of way – turns out he’s got a bit of crush on me himself. time goes by, we hang out, girlfriend is no longer girlfriend, and before I can blink he’s feeding me chocolate and calling me purty.

There’s the “Let’s be Real Here” Sous-Chef: not much history to report, met him on New Years Eve at his restaurant. I was drunk off my ass, he was not. two days after he doesn’t call but he texts me hello. sidenote: is this a 2007 thing, we meet folks and instead of calling we just text? how does that work exactly? i think i have to agree with my wise 12-yr-old sister who, when I asked what i should do with his text, said to just stare at it.
Anyways, so we eventually do actually speak on the phone (mostly because I didn’t reply to his texts) and we go out. Of course what happens but that he’s not nearly as cute as I thought he was when I was engorged on vodka and champagne. But he’s cute enough. I still found myself laughing and enjoying myself…until he said that while he’s 29 he plans to “remain a baby all his life.” I had no idea what he was talking about. Then later I mentioned re-reading Invisible Man and he had no idea what I was talking about. Well that’s not entirely true – he thought I meant the movie “Invisible Man” with Chevy Chase. Albeit that’s a fairly entertaining film but I do prefer the Ellison classic. And oh it sucks to realize how pretentious you’ve become in moments like that! He also wore a jacket thatBlogger: Big Girl Panties – Edit Post “Rain Drops are Crashing on My Head” looked like it belonged on one of the cast members of “Friday Night Lights.”
So all in all there doesn’t look like much in the future with sous-chef but there’s definite casual fornication potential.

There’s the Best Friend/ArchEnemy: Some of you guys may already know the D. He’s my crazy friend aka old college ex I never actually slept with aka the guy who two-timed his college girlfriend with me aka the only friend who can make me laugh about some of the most painful shit in my life. We like to joke that our friendship is more like that of a brother and sister…only incestuous. Like I said, we’ve never been physical post-college and that was damn near 4 years ago. But we are close, probably too close, and I am not good at keeping the lines strict, everything is blurred to me. So I will admit there have been some feelings for him in the past. BUT – and this could be a whole other post – he is not a relationship guy, he’s not even a date guy; in fact, i like to tease him that he’s dead inside. He hopes to die by 50 and doesn’t want anything remotely close to a relationship because he hates the idea of being responsible to anyone but himself. The same goes for why he doesn’t want children.
Of course, my bleeding heart ass took all this with a grain of “but maybe…” salt and kept the idea open that he’d one day come around. But that only goes so far and the worst thing to do is hope someone is different from who they really are. So I stopped hoping and started moving on. He is who he is and I am who I am..and I ain’t no fool. And as you will see in a moment, of course the moment I move on is the moment he thinks “O wait, maybe I’m not dead inside” and comes at me with some bullshit. And I say “bullshit” because as seen below his timing to come around is quite quite suspect….

Because then there’s the Good Friend You Never Thought Of in That Way: This is the guy you kind of unintentionally took for granted. The guy who you met in a totally random way. The guy who’s a little NOT your type (or what you assume to be your type) so you don’t even look at him in that way. And the guy who is always incredibly sweet and kind and understanding and funny for no other good reason then that’s just who he is. And if you interject that no, he has a penis so everything he was doing was for some elaborate plan, well then this GFYNTOITW sure is patient.
Because after about 3 years and both of our respective very long-term relationships ending and after we both end up in the same city based on decisions made by other people, we have gone from that long-distance friend thing to the “hmmm” thing. And by “hmmm” I mean “Hmmm, this is interesting, I’m having fun with you in that way.” Maybe I’ve just been fucked over one too many times, maybe I just don’t believe much in the inherent goodness of people. But here’s just a few things he’s done as a friend:
In fact, it’s just one thing. The side effect of my weekly treatments is very bad, BAD, back pain. GFYNTOITW came over the night I had my shot and proceeded to rub my back all night long until he just couldn’t anymore.
Well you know what, if that was a part of his elaborate 3-year penis plan, then so be it…aaaand it worked.
Yes, yes, at this point I have bedded one of the fellas and since a lady never tells and since GFYNTOITW is 100% likely to read this I can’t go too much into detail over the bedding…But suffice it to say I’ve had to change my top 3…do with that what you will

All that’s said to say at the end of the day, I’m shitty at multi-tasking and once I start on one path I tend to just go with it. So, since it’s pretty obvious what path I’m going on, there’s all kinds of new oddities for me here because I’ve never actually done the deed with someone I can actually call a good friend. So post-deed I do the female thing of attempting to translate everything the GFYNTOITW says to everything that men I sleep with say. You can imagine the problems that causes. We’ve kind of had the “now, what” convo but there’s no label; and i’d hate to lose him as a friend but there’s clearly no going back either soooo……What I am trying to do is “just enjoy it” and not to think too much but if anyone has some better advice on how to go with the GFYNTOITW, please feel free….