I’ve Underestimated my Charm (Again)

…A friend/ fan recently asked me why I don’t blog anymore or less; and I replied I don’t blog because I’m in grad school and the only time I find myself with a rare moment of freedom the last thing I want to do is look at a computer screen.

Not to say I don’t love or miss blogging. I do, really. And at least once a day something happens or pops up that makes me want to race to the computer and blast to the world….

But it usually happens when I’m IN class (actually most of the time it happens I’m in class) or on the way to class or leaving class to go to the library or on the couch while watching “I Love New York 2″ and there’s just no way in hell I’m tearing myself from that!

Nevertheless I realize that my last personal post was a bit down, a bit critical, a bit, well, typical of my love life; and I’d like to update at least that so people (exes) don’t think (call, email) I’m still down (crouched in a corner of my apartment bawling, not having seen daylight for months).

I am fine. Really. I whore-er- stocked up while in NYC over the summer and am now back in school, back in Siberi-er- Cambridge where a good day is one where I get more than 4 hours of sleep, eat more than 1 and a half meals, and have one conversation that doesn’t concern the myriad ways black people are fucked. Yes I’d like to date someone but by “like” I mean on occasion I’d like to laugh with someone who I’m attracted to, by “date” I probably mean grab coffee because that requires a maximum of 45 minutes since I would most likely have to put off work and by “someone” I mean a man whose breath is decent (you’d be surprised) and is kind, generous, fun, grounded, and interested despite his knowledge that he’s a diamond-in-the-ruff in 02138.

For whatever reason the above is hard to accomplish and I’m not the kind of person to mull it over, bitch about it (for too long), and make a negative self-judgement because I don’t have a friggin date. I’m not a snob, my shit stinks too, but fuck it: I go to Harvard, I get paid to go to Harvard, I love what I do to get paid to go to Harvard, and I’ve made great friends in the process. I see the light of day with them

p.s. Black Kids is the best band ever!

Why Can’t Weeee Be Friends?

…and then of course reality sets in and it’s the same as it ever was. By the way, thank you Rune for ever so nicely reminding me of my lapsing postings, I’m doing my best here!

What else to post about but, you guessed it, love and sex and all that overratedness that can be equally fulfilled with 7 pounds of chocolate!

So of course the acronym man and I are no more. And do I really need to say why? Come on folks, what’s my M.O? Guy likes girl from afar, girl relishes it and then finally indulges – and besides she relishes it all the way to her lonely lil apartment and sits on her couch in pjs laughing at Frasier and talking to herself – and then guy realizes “Oh Brown Baby you’ve really helped me figure my shit out and I’ve realized I AM capable of love. Yes I am ready for love and commitment!” and girl smiles with glee and finally exhales and just as she wraps her arms around him, guy says “O no no, dear, not with you. No I meant this experience has really helped me grow and got me thinking about [insert ex, good friend, last night's booty call, anyone but said girl] Thanks for the sex though!”

I took a long weekend back to the ole country aka NYC for a last attending of the greatly produced, directed and acted “The Dutchman.” I stayed in a swanky hotel (with a bone-chilling view of Ground Zero), ordered room service, caught up with friends, smoked inside, stayed out past 2 am and took a decent mode of public transportation – only to come back to have my lover tell me that he was back with his ex. Not only did he let me know they spoke and professed their undying love for each other, he let on that he called her even, that while he greatly enjoyed our time together he just couldn’t understand why he felt so shitty after leaving our boudoir (something every girl dies to hear – “Yeah I just felt like shit after being with you.”); but, fortunately it turned out not to be anything I was doing more so than being someone else e.g. not his ex. He’ll deny this but that’s the fundamental fact of things isn’t it?

And it’s hard to be mad at him. We’ve been friends for years, I knew what he was dealing with and he never hesitated to tell me. But all this time I thought (and so did he) he was just managing to be single and move on, he was actually just stuck with still being in love with someone not me. How can you be angry at that?*

so…. girl is left alone again, on her couch again, with her cigs and booze again, with unused condoms again, an unfilled Rx for birth control again, an unappreciated Brazilian again, deadened hopes again (seriously this is like the 10th time!), snotty tissues strewn about again…but Frasier is there always to help her laugh while she cries…

(…I wish I could say something like “I have MS, so fuck the small shit” but it doesn’t work like that unfortunately. Somehow it’s more like “I have MS, so this fucking sucks even more.”..In fact I’m pretty sure I scared him off with all of my MS stuff. Next time (if there ever is a next time) I’ll just say “O that needle over there? O no worries, I don’t have a disease or anything. Yeah no that’s just for my occasional crack.”)

He also wants us to just be friends and cool and all that jazz and swears that he means it and he’s not doing that whole thing where you just say it. I’ve actually never had that before, most of the guys tend to run off in a blaze of smoke. And maybe that’s ok. Because good friends or not, like I really want to be his friend so when he and his girl are together I can introduce myself as “O yes hi, I’m Brown Baby, I’m the whore who helped your boyfriend realize his undying love for you?…quiche?”

*Well I can be a little mad that he took the weekend I was out of town to call his ex. And I can be angry that at the end of the day I was yet again his rebound and he was just as aware of that as I was. And I can be angry that he thought he could “give it a go” with me hoping to move on from his ex – and that’s ok when it’s not someone you’ve known for years and care about. That’s what you do with the chick you meet at da club.